It Would Have Been Funnier If I Started Crying

In December of 2011 I read the wonderful book know as Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. It was 849 pages of wisdom on how to properly behave in society.

Since then I have been quoting Miss Manner whenever possible, which isn't really very often because I rarely am wondering if it is late enough for me to be wearing my diamonds -- you know, the ones I don't own.

Today, though, when I finally had the chance to use my manners knowledge, I forgot all about it.

I went shopping again today. I didn't even want to, but I needed food for dinner. I also wanted to get running clothes for some reason. I can't remember the reason, but I remember thinking last night that I really wanted to buy running clothes.

The running store went very well.  I even talked to the cashier in French and I was feeling pretty good inside.  But then I had to go to Carrefour, which is like the Walmart of France.  And not only is it Walmart, but it's in a mall.  A big mall.  And today is Saturday.

Carrefour did not go as well as the running store.  But I did manage to find everything on my list and I was very excited to finally leave. In fact, I was so excited that I was sort of skipping on my way to check out.

I was then stopped by a French guy who was probably somewhere around-ish my age. (I'm horrible at guessing ages, though, so who really knows.) He started talking to me, and it was fun because I got to practice my French. But then he asked if I had any plans for tonight and if I wanted to go salsa dancing. I told him I couldn't because I had to meet my roommate for dinner. 

At 5:00. 

In a country where people don't eat dinner until 8:00.

He then asked if I had a French phone number. I told him no -- even though it was a lie -- and asked for his number instead.

He didn't have his phone on him. At this point I was thinking, this is a little weird. And then he asked for my email. And I thought, well that's a good idea. It's easy to ignore emails if he turns out to be some crazy stalker person.

But then I remembered that all of my emails have my last name in them. I really didn't want to give him my last name. What if he used it to find out where I was living and sent some friends over to kidnap me and sell me as a human slave? And my dad isn't even a secret spy, so he wouldn't be able to come find the people that kidnapped me and I would be lost forever.

Yes, that is what I was thinking as I sat there trying to figure out how to not give him my last name.

Finally, because I was feeling very uncomfortable at this point, I was like, I'm sorry, but I really don't feel comfortable about this.

And he was very nice and understanding.  He told me not to worry about him.

But in my head, I didn't need to worry about him, because he had already stolen my wallet while we had been talking and memorized all my information and could kidnap me even if I didn't give him my email with my last name in it.

Which brings me to my first piece of Miss Manner's Wisdom:

Fun Manners Lesson #1: On Saying No - "The polite way to refuse is to precede the denial with an apology but no excuse."

I'm sorry, but no, I would not like to give you my email. Or French phone number. Au revoir!

That would have been so much easier!

Anyway, we parted and I went to get in line. I was really flustered though, and still a little worried about being kidnapped. I was finally checking out and the cashier was telling me something was wrong with my carrots.

And try as I might to understand him, the best I could come up with was, "I'm sorry, but these are French carrots and you can't eat them because you are from the United States." Which made no sense to me. I kept thinking, "Don't worry! I'm going to eat them here, so I won't have to take them through customs."

It turns out that what he was really saying was I had to weigh them and write the cost on the bag. So I left the line and all of my other groceries, made my way upstairs, and figured out how to weigh my vegetables.

It turns out it's really easy and the machine just prints out a sticker for you, but I accidentally chose the wrong vegetable, so I had to do it a few times.

I was so embarrassed at this point that I was no longer even concerned about being kidnapped, I just wanted to get home. I made my way back downstairs and saw everyone in the line just glaring at me. Which brings me to my second piece of wisdom.

Fun Manners Lesson #2: When Miss Manner's observes people behaving rudely, she behaves politely to them, and then goes home and snickers about them afterward. That is what the well-bred person does.

But I didn't remember to behave politely, because I was embarrassed. I just put my head down and got out as fast as I could.

And now I'm sitting at home. And I really wish I would have been all polite so that I could come home and laugh at all the people who were mad at me for not weighing my vegetables before getting in line.

Or if not that, I wish I would've started crying so that they would all feel really bad right now about making the American girl cry over some carrots.

But instead I'm sitting at home thinking about setting up an email account with a fake last name in case any other would-be kidnappers ask me for my email.

I should have gone salsa dancing.