Lessons I Learned As A Child - The Revised Edition

Apparently I hurt my mother's feelings with my last blog, by telling all three of you (my mother and two sisters) that I learned most of my lessons as a child from my teachers.  This was false information, and to prove that my mother did her job well, I'm now going to list the important lessons I learned from my parents, which will exceed the four lessons I mentioned learning from my teachers.

1) You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime.  Solid advice right there.

2) A clean floor = a happy mother = a happy family.

*Also, Marilyn Monroe got it wrong.  Vacuums are a girl’s best friend, not diamonds.*

3) When working on duets with your sister, it is best practiced with a mother saying counts above you and your sister fighting.

4) Brush your teeth.

5) You also taught me how to tie my shoes.  The right way.

6) You taught me how to drive.  Sorry that I learned that one poorly.

7) The safest place to be when you're in trouble is your room.  Hiding in the closet.  Then, when your parents are terrified because they can't find you, they'll forget that they're mad at you (thanks to help from Kyla on learning that one)

8) Most importantly, though, you taught me that you should never ask your mother for advice.  Because she'll say, "I'm not going to make decisions for you." And then when you make the wrong one, she'll just look at you disappointed-ly because you should have known better.  Just make the wrong choice without asking her opinion, and then you can claim ignorance.

Also, you taught me that you should never give up.  When it comes to piano.  Other things (like cheerleading, club swimming, math club, and the Harry Potter series) are fair game for giving up.

And that’s what I learned from my parents.

Lessons I Learned As A Child - Part 1

You learn a lot of important lessons as a child.  Some you learn from your parents, but most you learn from your teachers.  To me, teachers were like angels guiding me to my dark, unknown future.  My family still makes fun of me to this day, because of all the messages of wisdom I passed on from my teachers to them.  You want to know what my teacher says?  She says you need to stay with the goop.  (Apparently I didn’t know how to pronounce my ‘r’s’. Or my teacher was seriously confused.)  You want to know what my teacher says?  She says...

Well, I’ve started to notice a pattern with all these pieces of wisdom I’ve gathered.  They are all designed to prepare you for the future.  Like, in 4th grade when your teacher makes you use cursive all the time to prepare you for 5th grade.  But then you get to 5th grade and they could care less about whether you use cursive, but you better be sure to use a pen on all of your assignments, because they want to prepare you for 6th grade. And then you get to 6th grade, and all your preparation is in vain because you have to type all your assignments anyway - to prepare you for junior high, of course.

That’s how college is.

I learned all these valuable lessons as a child, to prepare me for life, and now NONE OF THEM APPLY.

For example, as a child you are taught to never take candy from a stranger.  Not in college.  You grab all the free stuff you can get - candy (wrapped or unwrapped, we don’t care), ice cream, soda, food handed out by unlicensed food handlers. . . we take it all.  I guess by the time you get to college no one is interested in poisoning or kidnapping you anymore.

On that same note, as a child you are taught to never talk to strangers, because strangers are scary and dangerous and such.  Not in college.  You sit down in your first class and your teacher already has you separated into groups with a bunch of strangers, because they want you to get to know everyone else in the class.

Third lesson I learned as a child: When it’s cold outside, you put a jacket on.  In college life this means: When it’s cold outside, you better put some boots on.  Otherwise, you’re going to be cold in that mini-skirt and tank top.

Which brings me to my final point.  As a child I was taught that math is used in real life all the time.  Now, teachers couldn’t always explain how the rule of the multiplicative inverse would help me out in life, but I trusted them.  And then I was taught a sad lesson in my astronomy class today.  You want to know the real reason why math exists?  It’s so that you can turn this:

“The acceleration of an object is dependent upon two variables - the net force acting upon the object and the mass of the object. The acceleration of an object depends directly upon the net force acting upon the object, and inversely upon the mass of the object. As the force acting upon an object is increased, the acceleration of the object is increased. As the mass of an object is increased, the acceleration of the object is decreased”

into

F = ma. 

Yep, that is why math exists.

You want to know how I know?  Cause my teacher told me, that’s how.

Advanced Engineering Mathematics

Today my $200 textbook arrived in the mail.  That I got for $150.  Yeah, it was a good day.

What fascinating subject will I be studying this semester?  Oh, that would just be Advanced Engineering Mathematics.  Apparently pre-reqs of basic engineering mathematics, physics, or advanced engineering concepts are not required. . .

Fantastic.

Is that Ironic?

There are many types of irony.  And yet, somehow, people still manage to incorrectly use the word “ironic”.

For example, it is NOT ironic that you were walking to class and saw your ex-boyfriend who you haven’t seen in six months.  Nothing about that situation is ironic.  It IS ironic if you jump on a train to escape the zombies, and then the train crashes into zombies.

Anyway, my sister and I have been discussing the correct use of ironic for a couple of weeks, and now every where I go I look for ironic situations.  Which brings me to my question:

Is it ironic that there is a math section in the public library?

Probably not.  But it is funny.

Which brings me to my story:  I was walking through the non-fiction section of the library, randomly searching for a good book to read (much harder than it sounds) when I saw the title “Mathematics” above one of the shelves. Win!  Who doesn’t want to read a book about math?  Oh, right. . .

Well, anyway, I decided to check out the math section of the library and this is what I found:  Of the four shelves, 3 were empty.  I’m assuming it’s because people now realize the joy that comes from math and have checked out all the good books.

This left the 1, mostly-empty, shelf.  The first book I saw was titled Calculus for Dummies.  Which I didn't really want because Calculus is for everyone, not just dummies.  Plus there was no book called The Book for People Who Think Calculus is Fun and Just Want Math Problems to Work on in Their Spare Time.

The other book was titled [something like] The Five Fingers of Mathematics.  I was unaware any fingers at all existed in math, so I opened the book.  I did not understand a single word in that book.  Seriously, I think they were speaking a different language.

And then I gave up on the math section, because you either have to be a dummy or a freaking genius to understand math apparently.

And as I was leaving the math section I came across this wonderfully enormous book called Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.  And I snatched that book up as fast as I could, because that Ladies and Gentlemen is what a good book looks like.

Yard Work is Much Easier After it Rains

My backyard is a very sad-looking place. It’s very self-conscious, so I try and not talk about it too much, but seriously, it’s depressing out there.  It’s mostly dirt, with a few rocks.  Oh, and lots of weeds - dead weeds - which takes a true amount of un-dedication.

Anyway, my parents felt sorry for me, plus they love me, so they decided to come down this weekend and try and make my backyard presentable.  Side Note:  It totally does now.  Look presentable that is.  But that is not my story.

My story starts last Tuesday when I decided that rather than do homework I would go work on my backyard so my parents would have less work to do when they came down (I know, I’m such a thoughtful child).  I pretended to pull up a few weeds, but that was hard work, so instead I decided to try and remove a tree.  It was just a small tree and very dead, so I figured it shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Wrong.  Removing a tree from the ground is very difficult.  There’s all these roots and things underground and there is no “Underground PeepCam” like in Rollercoster Tycoon, so it’s very difficult to know what’s happening down there.  Consequently, I spent TWO hours trying to remove this stupid tree.  I literally stuck the shovel in the ground and was hanging on it with all my weight trying to get the tree to come out.  It took forever, but eventually I got the whole thing out, and I felt very accomplished.

Fast-forward to Saturday.  There was still another tree in the ground that I had not taken the two hours to remove yet.  So my dad goes out there, gets the shovel, and pulls the tree right out.  I think it literally took him 10 seconds.  What the freak?

But I refused to feel any less-accomplished, on account of it had just rained, which made the ground softer.  Clearly, his task was much easier than mine, so I am completely justified in taking 720 times as long to accomplish essentially the same thing.