Disclaimer: The following is a true story and is not intended for audiences who
a) are opposed to capitalism
b) don't think the Apple company is the best thing since Disney or
c) believe that love is only for people.
Also, if you are opposed to stories that are unnecessarily long without ever reaching a moral, this story is not for you.
Three and a half years ago I got an iPhone.
a) are opposed to capitalism
b) don't think the Apple company is the best thing since Disney or
c) believe that love is only for people.
Also, if you are opposed to stories that are unnecessarily long without ever reaching a moral, this story is not for you.
Three and a half years ago I got an iPhone.
I had been counting down the days to the release of the Motorola Droid with Verizon and had been subtly dropping hints to my parents that we should all get droids. The day the Droid was released I convinced my parents to check out the phone. It was the most disappointing build up to anything, ever, because in the end it was just another phone.
Just for fun we also decided to check out the iPhone.
It was love at first sight. I don't really remember how it happened because I was so enthralled by the iPhone, but all of a sudden my parents were talking about prices to the sales rep and then magically my own iPhone appeared in my hands. (It wasn't really magic, it was a large amount of money, but close enough.)
This iPhone and I have had a lot of great memories. It was there when my friends and I played Spawn Lite all through lunch my senior year.
It was there during finals week when someone stole it and left me this message:
It was there during finals week when someone stole it and left me this message:
Hello Kenna! Today is another wonderful day. I am your conscience. Good luck on your finals! Your word of the day is "eerie".
It was also there a year later when I was taking my first finals in college and I saw that message for the first time. Let me tell you, it was eerie.
And it's been with me at all the parties where I didn't know anyone and pretended to use it so I wouldn't look like a loser.
The point that I'm trying to make is that my iPhone isn't just another phone, it's my best friend.
About nine months ago I started to worry that I was becoming addicted to my iPhone. I deleted all of the games and started wearing a watch so that I wouldn't have to check my phone for the time. I think I really hurt it's feelings.
However, my phone managed to hold it together (literally) until I started talking about the iPhone 5. The iPhone 5 became my new conversation starter - "Hey, have you heard how freaking amazing the iPhone 5 is going to be?"
My phone couldn't take it anymore and it struck back. Through self-sabotage it managed to break off a small piece near the lock button. Then my phone literally started to come apart at the seams. Apparently that little piece - about the size of the lock button itself - had been holding the whole phone together.
However, my iPhone 5 ranting had done the trick and my mom got the new phone. Which meant that her old iPhone was fair game to be stolen.
I switched the sim cards and then just let my phone die. Seriously, after all the time we had spent together I just let it die.
Unfortunately, all iPhones are apparently on the same team and my mom's phone was not happy with how I had treated mine. Perhaps it was afraid I would do the same to it and leave it for dead on my desk. So in response it started employing guerrilla warfare tactics. Whenever I touched it, it would vibrate, leading me to believe someone had texted or called me. They hadn't. It was just my phone.
Eventually it got so bad that if it was in my backpack or pocket it would be constantly vibrating. The phone also learned how to turn sound on without me knowing so that it could start singing "Kiss Me Slowly" during math class.
After a week of this I couldn't take it anymore. I gave my mom's phone back to her and recharged mine. In one short week I had forgotten how much I loved my phone, but when it came back to life I realized how much I had missed my phone.
For a while, this was enough, and my phone and I got along again. But that small piece by the lock screen was a constant reminder of what my phone had done and I was bitter about it. For some reason I had to tell everyone about how my phone had decided to break itself for no reason. The phone was off contract, though, so I decided I would keep it for study abroad (so I could put a European sim card in it) and then get a new one as soon as I got home.
You can imagine how much this broke my phone, emotionally and physically.
Since it was falling apart at the seams I started having to push the phone together to be able to use the lock button - not a big deal unless I wanted to take a screen shot.
It was so traumatized and depressed at its failed attempt to get a reaction from me that it tried to commit suicide by figuratively jumping out of my pocket and falling in water a.k.a. I dropped my phone in the toilet.
I really thought this would be the end of my phone, but I managed to bring it back to life with a bag of rice and a bottle of hand sanitizer.
It is mostly the same phone, except it now has a small problem with its short term memory (it can connect to wifi networks it knew before its suicide attempt, but it is incapable of finding new networks).
Also, the lock button has completely stopped working. Just to give you an idea about the implications of this, no lock button means that to lock the screen I have to not touch it for a full minute. This is hard when I want to listen to music and hold my phone at the same time.
The battery has a life span of six hours when I don't use my phone at all. That life span is seriously decreased when I start using the phone.
The more my phone breaks the funnier I find the whole situation because so far I've managed to find a way around all the problems (super cheap data plan, assisted touch, constant charging, etc.) I've even started joking about what will be the next to go.
Today, though, my phone won.
Not only does it refuse to connect to wifi, it now refuses to connect to the 3G network. Goodbye email, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Viber (the app I use to text my family for free), weather, Safari aka everything I use my phone for.
In fact, the only thing my phone can do now is make/receive calls and send texts.
My best friend has become just another phone.
But in honor of all of the good times I've had with my best friend I'd like to dedicate a song it it. I'm going to miss you, iPhone.
However, my phone managed to hold it together (literally) until I started talking about the iPhone 5. The iPhone 5 became my new conversation starter - "Hey, have you heard how freaking amazing the iPhone 5 is going to be?"
My phone couldn't take it anymore and it struck back. Through self-sabotage it managed to break off a small piece near the lock button. Then my phone literally started to come apart at the seams. Apparently that little piece - about the size of the lock button itself - had been holding the whole phone together.
However, my iPhone 5 ranting had done the trick and my mom got the new phone. Which meant that her old iPhone was fair game to be stolen.
I switched the sim cards and then just let my phone die. Seriously, after all the time we had spent together I just let it die.
Unfortunately, all iPhones are apparently on the same team and my mom's phone was not happy with how I had treated mine. Perhaps it was afraid I would do the same to it and leave it for dead on my desk. So in response it started employing guerrilla warfare tactics. Whenever I touched it, it would vibrate, leading me to believe someone had texted or called me. They hadn't. It was just my phone.
Eventually it got so bad that if it was in my backpack or pocket it would be constantly vibrating. The phone also learned how to turn sound on without me knowing so that it could start singing "Kiss Me Slowly" during math class.
After a week of this I couldn't take it anymore. I gave my mom's phone back to her and recharged mine. In one short week I had forgotten how much I loved my phone, but when it came back to life I realized how much I had missed my phone.
For a while, this was enough, and my phone and I got along again. But that small piece by the lock screen was a constant reminder of what my phone had done and I was bitter about it. For some reason I had to tell everyone about how my phone had decided to break itself for no reason. The phone was off contract, though, so I decided I would keep it for study abroad (so I could put a European sim card in it) and then get a new one as soon as I got home.
You can imagine how much this broke my phone, emotionally and physically.
Since it was falling apart at the seams I started having to push the phone together to be able to use the lock button - not a big deal unless I wanted to take a screen shot.
It was so traumatized and depressed at its failed attempt to get a reaction from me that it tried to commit suicide by figuratively jumping out of my pocket and falling in water a.k.a. I dropped my phone in the toilet.
I really thought this would be the end of my phone, but I managed to bring it back to life with a bag of rice and a bottle of hand sanitizer.
It is mostly the same phone, except it now has a small problem with its short term memory (it can connect to wifi networks it knew before its suicide attempt, but it is incapable of finding new networks).
Also, the lock button has completely stopped working. Just to give you an idea about the implications of this, no lock button means that to lock the screen I have to not touch it for a full minute. This is hard when I want to listen to music and hold my phone at the same time.
The battery has a life span of six hours when I don't use my phone at all. That life span is seriously decreased when I start using the phone.
The more my phone breaks the funnier I find the whole situation because so far I've managed to find a way around all the problems (super cheap data plan, assisted touch, constant charging, etc.) I've even started joking about what will be the next to go.
Today, though, my phone won.
Not only does it refuse to connect to wifi, it now refuses to connect to the 3G network. Goodbye email, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Viber (the app I use to text my family for free), weather, Safari aka everything I use my phone for.
In fact, the only thing my phone can do now is make/receive calls and send texts.
My best friend has become just another phone.
But in honor of all of the good times I've had with my best friend I'd like to dedicate a song it it. I'm going to miss you, iPhone.
UPDATE: As I was writing this post and remembering all the great times I had with my iPhone and how much I really love it, my phone connected to wifi. Seriously, I think my phone is like Santa's sleigh and only works when I believe in it.
I don't know how I'm going to tell it that the package that just arrived contains my mom's phone. It's going to break my poor phone's motherboard.
I wonder if I'm supposed to find this post funny, because I am honestly feeling so melancholy right now. You know how when you bring a new baby home from the hospital and you get the older sibling a present to ease the hurt? I think you should buy your old phone a new app.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started writing it I meant for it to be funny, but the further I got into the story the sadder I became. I seriously don't know if I can give this phone up now, I'll miss it too much.
ReplyDelete